What the pictures on social media don’t tell you is that I am fighting a war inside my head every single day. Some days I can’t tell as much because I don’t feel “as sad” or “as anxious,” but that battle is still being fought. I can think myself into a catastrophe quicker than you can blink, and then I will be sitting in that for minutes.. hours… days. For the most part, I can function like a normal human being despite what’s happening inside of my head. I can go to work, hang out with family, joke around with friends.
But sometimes it’s so debilitating that I can’t get out of bed. Sometimes I distance myself from people and cancel plans because I don’t want to bring them into the mess that is my mind and it would be too much for me to even try to explain it to them.
My anxiety ventures past just being internal. It affects my sleeping pattern. I’m so tired, yet can’t sleep because my mind will be racing through thoughts of worthlessness, self-hatred, worry for my family, worry for my future… how long I’ll be able to do this for. It’s caused week-long migraines, which then, in turn, make me super irritable. Sometimes it’s hard to connect the dots and when I do, it’s hard to explain to people why I’ve been “moody.” It makes everyday life more complicated, to say the least.
I’m not here looking for pity, rather to bring more awareness and shed some light on anxiety. It is different for everybody, but it’s a very real thing and can happen at any moment. I’ve experienced anxiety in some of the most peaceful of situations… it just HAPPENS.
Over the past couple of years, I have drawn closer to God and found peace in Him. Now, this isn’t me trying to preach at you, because that’s not what I’m about. But having something, someone, to hold firm to when everything is a mess and feels hopeless has kept me centered and really kept me holding on for another day.
Life is hard. It’s messy and ugly and sometimes you may feel like it would be easier to just disappear. I’ve felt that… more often than I want to admit, but I am here to say that you have to live for the good days.
For the sunsets with good company and conversations that stay with you well into your later years.
For the cup of coffee that hits your lips on a Sunday morning when the early light of the day touches your skin just right.
For the quiet peace that a summer evening reading on a patio brings, listening to the crickets hum.
For the little coo of your baby you will get to hold in your arms after carrying him for months in your belly.
Even if that’s all you can do.